Level up your listening

Photo by Julien Riedel on Unsplash

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." Stephen R. Covey 

So, you have come across development material about the benefits of active listening in a 1:1 situation. You smiled, nodded and know it is an area you need to improve in. Yet, in the next 1:1 every natural instinct, every mental synapsis firing is telling you that you need to be helping. Offering a solution or telling them about your similar story or about a solution that worked for you. You understand the theory of active listening and you have tried it a few times. But couldn’t make it all the way through the conversation.

In a 1:1 with your team members your role can vary. But in the spirit of multiplying you want to avoid solving their problems. When your direct is opening up to explain a situation or problem you want to ensure that you are creating a safe space for them to share. By the end of the conversation, you want to ensure they got what they came for and walked out a little more empowered. The goal shouldn't be to show how much you know about everything.

At the risk of my team calling me out on my faults in this space, I am still trying to improve my skills daily. I wanted to share the five things that I am practising to get through more 1:1s with a coaching mindset.

One. Don’t Interrupt. This includes jumping in as they utter the last syllable of a sentence. I know you have been waiting for the sentence to end so you can jump in with the amazing thought that is in your head. You might want to jump in because you don't want to forget what you were going to say. Even though your intentions are positive. The impact is that there is a good chance they haven't finished. Your interruption will most likely derail their thought process. This means they will never get to the destination they were after. You can be amazing at asking great questions. But you would only be asking questions on potentially partial content.

What I do to stop myself from jumping in is to hold eye contact. Then think to myself 'not yet there is more'. Be patient, speed is not a reward. Waiting a few seconds before replying will seem more natural. If you are concerned about forgetting something, take a pen and paper and take notes.

Two. Don’t jump in as they pause. So, you got passed point one. You waited 1.5 seconds and you jump right in. It feels better since you didn't interrupt them. But this doesn't actually mean you didn't cut them off. The impact, besides derailing their thought process is it indicates that you are listening to respond and not listening to understand. You run the risk of taking the conversation on a tangent. You want to get to the core of the conversation. You do this by getting them to unload everything they have on their mind.

What I do to stop myself jumping in is if I am unsure if they have paused or if they have stopped. I ask short questions like "and what else" from a great book called The Coaching Habit (link here). He offers many short questions that can prompt them to continue moving to the core of the problem. Other short prompting questions are "can you explain that a little more" or "and what are you thinking". Otherwise, I say moot words like "that is interesting", "hmmm" or just be comfortable with the silence.

Three - Don’t help them when they are stuck on a word. It is natural for us to stop abruptly and look for that perfect word or the name of a person or project. It is also natural to want to help them out. But what you are observing is the person searching their brains to find the next word or sentence to explain something important. By trying to be a mind reader and filling in that gap instead of being comfortable with the silence. You can spark their mind to move onto a different path. Give them a chance to finish processing whatever is going on upstairs. The more you can hear from them the more you can understand what they are trying to tell you.

What I do to stop myself jumping is simply smile and wait. In my head I repeat "just be patient, they will get there" or "there is nothing wrong with this silence, let it play out". Utilising these statements, it keeps me from jumping in to finish their thought or sentence. This one took time to get used to as the silence is awkward. But it is only a few seconds and you are the only person feeling awkward. They are busy trying to find that next word.

It is time to get used to the awkward silence 

Four. Don’t share your story to early. You have been listening for many minutes and the emotions are stirring. You feel inclined to share a similar story to show empathy for their position. Building a connection at an emotional moment is important. Your instincts to jump in are correct but your timing is wrong. The impact of jumping in too early is you risk taking the attention away and on to you. Your story might be compelling enough for them to shift focus on your story and start asking questions. There is a time possible later on in the 1:1 or on a different day to display empathy.

What I do to stop myself jumping is to show sympathy instead. "that sounds hard" or "I can imagine how you are feeling". It is not my job at that point to make them feel better. It is ok if they are experiencing these emotions. Whether it is frustration, sadness or anxiousness. Your goal remains to hear their whole story. Prompt with small questions to go deeper. All whilst maintaining an active listening position.

Five. Don’t give advice without giving them an option. As Michael Bungay Stainer put it Tame your advice monster. You managed to get through the active listening and you feel the urge to 'to do your job'. To give advice which will validate your role as a manager. But what if you asked for permission first? Through making several mistakes of giving advice when it wasn't required. (Thanks Alice mentioning it that time). The impact here can be the individual didn't want to turn the topic into a coaching moment. They wanted to vent a little and talk through something on their mind. If you coach every time your directs might think twice before having a vent. Someone’s a short vent is quite healthy to get something off your mind. You don't want them to feel like they are at a councillor’s office every time.

What I do to stop myself jumping in is I ask a question with 4 options. "What would you like me to do here". I can do one of the 4 things

1. Do nothing - Do nothing but be thankful you are sharing this with me

2. Help me do it - Help you find a solution by asking questions and talking through different scenarios

3. Do it with me - Work with you on the problem by brainstorming solutions and carrying out the solution with you

4. Do it for me - Rarely used. But still an option. Monstly used with more junior members of the team and certain situations that call for it.

If you apply one out of the five tips in your next 1:1. I am sure you will find the conversation going deeper.

Listen long enough to hear the trees amongst the forest 

Note: Opinions expressed are solely my own and do not express the views or opinions of my employer.