Where is your ego hiding?
Photo by Marc-Olivier Jodoin on Unsplash
One of the most complex personality traits we have is our Ego. If you asked yourself ‘am I egotistic?’ the answer would most likely be no. This might be true in a general sense. But does it mean that your ego is not leaning into certain situations, certain discussions, with certain people?
I read Ego Free Leadership (by Brandon Black & Shayne Hughes link) recently. It's good to learn more about something as it gives you a heightened awareness. I wanted to cover a few things from the book that I have observed in myself as well as others.
Your ego is part of you, it is best not to see it as a positive or negative. Like all things, too little or too much can be a problem and keeping the balance is key. Identifying a ‘big’ ego and ‘small’ ego is quite easy. A lot of us will identify it when we see it. I am sure a name popped into your head right now of someone with a big ego. We need to be aware of when our ego is leaning into a conversation in a subtle way, yet impacting our behaviour.
Our ego is monitoring each situation looking for our value and our status. When our value is threatened our ego will lean in to protect it and at the same time, it will want to avoid looking like it is protecting it. This our Desired vs Dreaded image. Here are a few examples that might be relatable or something you have observed.
Withholding information. Let’s take for example giving feedback, ‘I don’t want to tell them as I do not want to upset them’. I do not doubt that we all have our best interests at heart. But assuming they will be upset by an SBI style feedback is your ego talking. It assumes you know how the person is going to feel better then they know themselves. If your intention is to provide feedback so they can perform better or you can work better together. Then leave it up the receiver to determine how they process the feedback.
If they do not take it very well it was there choice. But now the topic is open you can continue the open and honest conversation that will lead to a stronger relationship. So the next time you assume you know how someone else will feel better then they will think this is your ego talking.
It is easier if I do it. Words I am sure we have all thought at one point at another. I have said a variety of things in situations over the years. Actually thinking I could do it better. Or thinking the time constraint doesn’t allow it. Or thinking I wouldn’t mind my name getting the recognition. In reflection, this is all coming from my ego. My focus was not on giving someone a learning opportunity. It is not on giving a chance to multiply the team member. And my favourite, it doesn’t give the opportunity for someone else’s idea or execution to better than yours :).
The first time this happened I had an ‘ah ha’ moment. My idea was not the best at all, not even close. After that I started to be more open to inviting other ideas to help achieve the most successful outcome. After all, it is the best outcome that I desire, not the use of my idea.
The infinite loop discussion. Most would be aware of an infinite loop concept in programming. We have all written one at least once in our career. The interesting thing is we engage in this type of discussion more often than we would write it in code. It's when you have an opinion and the person you are trying to convince has a counter opinion. You both go back and forth using different arguments trying to convince the other person that you are right. This could take 15 minutes, I have also seen it take hours upon hours resulting in two unhappy people calling each other stubborn. Our ego wants us to be right, it wants us to be so right that it reduces our ability to listen. If we could suppress our ego long enough in these situations. We could listen out to the key concerns that the other person is trying to avoid. After that, you should be able to come up with a third option that would meet both your outcomes.
We will never be ego-free as humans, it is part of who we are. It is something we need to pull us out of the deep pit of imposter syndrome. The important thing is to be aware of when it is creeping in and catch yourself. Think about what the situation would look like if your ego was not leaning into the conversation. For anyone reading this who I work with, please give me a nudge if you feel that my actions are being driven by my ego.
Note: Opinions expressed are solely my own and do not express the views or opinions of my employer.