Why managers find it hard to give you feedback

Photo by Robert Baker on Unsplash

It is that time of year when your performance is being measured, and promotions are being decided. You have been working hard, and you are hoping that you will receive a high rating. Only to find out that the rating is under your expectation and the feedback blindsides you.

Unfortunately, this situation occurs countless times. I am sure I have communicated the disappointing news many times while people managing. I have also received my fair share of surprise. Many organisations have moved to a system that removes the yearly performance review. The idea is to have continuous feedback so your team member can course correct and improve. Even though there is no formal performance review. Once or twice a year, managers have to nominate their team members for a promotion. This means that there is a framework of scoring involved, it is just not being shared.

In our industry, there is a culture focused on giving feedback. Yet, after each promotion round in many companies, there are surprised faces. They find out they are not getting promoted and end up disappointed. So, why is it so hard for your manager to give you feedback?

In this article, I share my observations on the challenges that managers face when it comes to performance feedback. I will provide tips on how to improve your feedback giving as well as offer tips to the employees to avoid those surprises.

One. It is uncomfortable. When a manager has feedback focused on your area of improvement. And assumes that you might not agree or like the information. Their instincts kick in, and it tells them to avoid the conversation. They care about you and saying something that will upset you or make you both uncomfortable is not on the top of their list. Sometimes they get past this and try and deliver the message 'softly'. This comes across as 'vague', and you are left trying to decipher the cryptic message. You focus on the part of the conversation and walk away confused.

Manager Tip. There is a misalignment between caring and trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation. The only thing achieved is you have delayed the message until they discover it indirectly. This leads to a breakdown of trust. The model of caring personally and challenging directly from the book Radical Condor is a great place to start understanding why this is a flawed model.

Your role as a manager is to help them with their career and build their skills. It is not to protect them from disappointment. By giving them the feedback directly, it allows them to start their journey of improvement. They will appreciate you for it. Maybe not in the moment, but over time they will recognise the intent of the feedback is the make you better.

Employee Tip. If you find that your manager is being vague and leaving you confused. You want to create a safe environment for them to talk straight. The best way to do this is to give them notice ahead of time that you are seeking point in time feedback. Send them an email or add it to your 1:1 agenda. You could say "Hi, thank you for all the support you provide me with. What I am seeking today is to understand with more clarity on how I am performing. I need you to be direct about it as I feel I cannot advance my career without clarity.". This opens up the conversation, which can lead to several more specific questions. This will lead to more clarity.

It may seem a little strange and definitely uncomfortable to start this conversion. But better to be uncomfortable now than disappointed later.

Better to be uncomfortable now than disappointed later

Two. Not enough time. Managers are running left and running right. Their time is divided by more ways than they can count, and there is always a level of pressure applied to their day. Because of this, it is hard for them to have the free mental capacity to think through the feedback they need to give you. It gets a little harder when they do not see the details of your day to day. With no time to think and no time to investigate, there is a good chance they can't share feedback because they don't have enough to share.

Manager Tip. There are two things to try. One of them is to block time in your calendar. Give yourself enough time in a week to write down observations or ask people they are working with. Questions you can ask are 'what is one thing they should keep doing', 'what is one thing they should be aware of'.

The second thing is to keep yourself accountable. I use the headings 'keep doing, stop doing and start doing' each month when providing feedback. These headings are a simple way to keep me accountable. If I cannot think of something to write, then I need to spend more time getting across what they are doing. If I want to write "keep doing what you are doing" too many times, it also means I am not across what they are doing.

My view on people management is an obligation to develop people. It has to be purposeful. You need to set aside the time to do it well. I don't always get it right. But having a framework to keep myself accountable ensures I am giving feedback that can help advance their careers more often than I am not.

Employee Tip. There are also two things you can do. One is asking the inverse questions to your manager. Give them time by sending them in advance. Asking what is one thing I should keep doing and one thing I should stop doing. These questions direct the answers into something more tangible. If a response similar comes 'keep doing what you are doing'. Then you have to ask again "which specific area of my work is being highlighted more than the others".

The other is asking the people you work with those two questions. Taking the feedback to your manager and asking to discuss it with them. They might agree, disagree or give you tips, either way, you are kick-starting the right conversations. If the feedback is positive, you might feel like you are showing off. Or if it is terrible and you want to hide it. You need to push through and have the conversation anyway. Again, the critical thing is...

Better to be uncomfortable now than disappointed later

Three. You didn't ask. It can be that simple, sometimes. Your relationship with your manager has gotten to a comfortable place. In this place, you assume that things are progressing and life is good. It is the comfort of this day to day that feedback can be forgotten. There is no value in assigning blame. There is value in changing that today. Any change to the status quo may feel uncomfortable, but it is worth changing the relationship for the better.

Manager Tip. Accepting accountability is the first step. Admitting to your employee, it has been an oversight. You want to start ensuring you are sharing value and being a significant contributor to their career. There is no shame in it. The important thing is that the feedback engine is restarted and there is no time like the present.

Employee Tip. It is time to get into the driver seat. There are two options for you. Wait for feedback or to draw feedback. If you do not understand where you are and where you are going. Don't let another week pass without starting to seek clarity. Send an email indicating your intentions to your manager. "I was reading an article online, and I want to start being more purposeful about my career, I need your help through direction and feedback. Can we start our next 1:1?”. Having a goal will provide a north star to help your manager help you.

These are three common reasons I have observed that feedback is not provided. For you and your team to understand how they are progressing the conversations, need to take place. The penalty of being misaligned is distrust and disappointment. These are not the foundations to build a high performing team.

I hope you found these useful and can share your observations of why it can be hard to share feedback. The one thing to remember is

and for the third time …. Better to be uncomfortable now than disappointed later 😃

Opinions expressed are solely my own and do not represent the views or opinions of my employer.